Hogwarts Revisited
by sprinkles-the-magic-bunny
Summary: This is just a little thing Topsy and myself had abit of fun writing. Both me and Topsy feel it should have been added to the sixth book, but alas we guess as it is a childrens' book J.K.Rowling must have thought it was a bit too........explicit!Enjoy!


The sun was setting, creating pools of blood red light behind Bill as he ran towards Hogwarts School as fast as he could. He was tired and out of breath but was determined to find them before it was too late. They had to know. He had to warn them!

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As Bill raced towards Gryffindor common room he came to an abrupt halt when he heard a petrified scream coming from the girls' bathroom. He crashed into the bathroom to find that the Chamber of Secrets was once again open and the scream proceeded to pierce his ears from within. Without another thought he jumped down into the hole, determined to help whoever was down that evil place.

As he landed with a crunch at the bottom of the pipe he drew his wand. He spoke the spell _Lumos_ andthe cave lit up to reveal rocks and bones covering the floor. As he picked his way through the debris he distinctly heard voices in front of him, but who they belonged to he could not tell through the echo. As he rounded the corner he prepared himself for the horrors that lay in store. But suddenly he tripped and after recovering from the shock he bent low to see what it was. As he picked up what appeared to be an empty wine bottle something whizzed past his head and smashed a few feet behind him on the wall. Bill looked around to see the remains of yet another empty bottle. He threw down the bottle clutched in his hand with hast and began to wonder what on earth was going on…

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Meanwhile, in Dumbledore's office there was a disturbance. Two people stood up from their chairs as the argument continued. One of the people was Professor Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts, the other could not be seen as his face was obscured by a large black hood. As the argument progressed it steadily grew louder. After five minutes or so the stranger began to remove his cloak to reveal Lord Voldemort standing in Dumbledore's office looking quite flustered…

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Bill entered the main chamber cautiously with his wand held high. His eyes skimmed over the damp walls in front of him, on the floor lay pools of water, shards of glass and what appeared to be a sticky red substance. Sinister snake heads that Bill glanced at uneasily stared at him with piercing eyes from throughout the chamber. With an awkward movement Bill turned to look down the room. He did a double take as he could not believe what his eyes had just revealed…

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"I won't let you do this!" yelled Dumbledore

"It is destiny, you cannot fight me much longer!" hissed Lord Voldemort

"But I must!"

"Noooooooooooo"

With fast movements and amazing agility Voldemort bounded across the desk and enveloped Dumbledore into a tight grip…

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Meanwhile, back in the Chamber of Secrets, Bill was finding it hard to focus, as he screamed aloud "What the fuck!!!!!!!". From across the chamber a voice Bill recognised to be his little sister's echoed out, " Uh oh!".

Which was then preceded by Ron's voice singing "we're in trouble, someone's come along and burst our bubble... Uh oh...Yeah yeah…"

The comment that followed Ron's horrifying singing came not from Malfoy sitting in the circle of students but by Hermione, "Oh for fuck sake someone shut him up!" Immediately Neville and Luna grabbed hold of Ron and restrained him. However this did not discourage Ron as he immediately burst out in song again "Oh baby I'm locked up... Won't let me out... Lock-"

SLAP!!!!!

Ginny's potions book whacked Ron square in the mouth cutting of his awful rendition of her favourite song. Without delay, this caused the whole group of students including Ron to burst into fits of giggles.

Bill who was still standing in the doorway looked dumbfounded at what was happening but couldn't help giving a small smirk as Ron got hit in the face…

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Dumbledore looked shocked and slightly taken aback as he looked down at Voldemort's strong grip on his arm. With one forceful tug, Voldemort pulled Dumbledore close to him. They gazed into each others star struck eyes completely absorbed. Voldemort's grip on Dumbledore's arm tightened and a wide grin appeared on Dumbledore's face, as he too gripped Voldemorts arm tightly.

Moments passed. The tension building with every second. Until finally, Voldemort made his move.

He pushed his lips onto Dumbledore's. Dumbledore's eyes widened in shock but closed again after letting the feeling of pure pleasure take over him. Their tongues entwined as they kissed passionately.

Suddenly, the door crashed open and as light spewed into the darkened room from the doorway, the tall figure belonging to Madam Pomfrey gasped….

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Bill walked closer to the group of students, gazing around the chamber. There was Harry, Hermione, Ginny, Lavender, Krum, Malfoy and Fleur sitting on the floor in a circle. Just outside of the circle Neville and Luna, laughing hysterically, were still trying to restrain Ron, who was singing again, however, his song was slightly muffled as a rather large piece of cake had now been shoved into his mouth by Harry. All around the group sat crates and crates of wine.

"Now I understood" he thought as he approached them. They were enjoying themselves, but he had to warn them, no matter how much he didn't want to spoil their party. The words suddenly spilled out of his mouth

"Tonks put hash in the cake mum sent you!"

But instead of a distraught reaction to his news as he had expected, the group all burst into fits of laughter yet again.

Obviously they had all tried the cake…

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Madam Pomfrey stepped into the room as Dumbledore and Voldemort released each other. The look of shock had subsided to reveal the disappointment and sadness she was now feeling. Both Dumbledore and Voldemort gave her inquiring looks. She answered only with a short sad sigh. Dumbledore took a step closer to Madam Pomfrey as he said "Wha…?!"

Madam Pomfrey now looking quite distressed looked around the room before her eyes settled on Voldemort…

"But… But I love you …" Her voice trailed off and seemed to drift away as Voldemort and Dumbledore studied her face, which was now glistening with tears. They saw no lie…

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"Your all drunk …not to mention out of your heads…stoned for fucks sake….what's mum guna say…!!!" Bill yelled out in one breath.

"Oooggod, Bill yoooou're not gunnna tell onn us areyoou? Pleeasssssse? Ooooohgod, I'm gunaa be grounddded for a mouthhhhh!" Ginny ranted, getting to her feet.

"Ginny?"

"I'm soooo deaddd". She started pacing around the group.

"Ginny?" Hermione said a little louder.

"Mabe I shooould runnnd away? Yeaaa. Yeaaaa tha wud workk. I'lllll runnnnnd away annnnd themmnnnd I'll-"

"GINNY" Hermione screamed becoming thoroughly annoyed, and making everyone in the group jump.

"No needddd too shooout 'mionnnininie, I'm not deafffd."

"Oh for fuck sake," Hermione sighed "have another drink"

Harry with a small glance towards Bill, stumbled to his feet and currently busied himself pouring Ginny yet another glass of wine, propping himself up against a crate of alcohol as he did so. Suddenly, and without any warning Ron burst into song with his own version of like a virgin. This made Harry drop the glass which smashed on the cold stone with a tremendous impact spewing everyone in a sticky coating of red wine. He then fell to the ground holding his ribs in laughter….Even Bill collapsed into giggles as Ron came to the chorus " Like a virgin…Touched for the very first time…like a viiiiiiirgin…..when your heart beats next to mine….." His shrill voice echoed round the stone walls as he then proceeded to remove his top. Hermione taking her chance stood up and helped a dancing Ron to strip down to his rather colourful boxer shorts…

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One glance in the office window would have told you that no-one remained there, however, an unexpected staircase now filled up half the room, which protruded from one of the cabernets. If you were to follow up the staircase you would find that the cold flight of stone steps would lead up to the highest tower in Hogwarts School, which was of course the headmasters bed chambers. You would then come across a heavy oak door, that when you nudged would open to reveal a rather peculiar scene…

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Spirits were high in the Chamber of Secrets and after more than a few bottles of wine Bill was the life of the party. He had conjured a grand mahogany table that would have sat more than double the people there. Although, the main purpose of this table was not to sit around, but to dance on, and of course Ron was right in the middle showing them all how to REALLY do the macerana. Joined either side by his old friends Harry and Hermione. The groupies of this weird trio stood around the table, this included Draco, Ginny and Fleur. Then the guest appearance of the little known star Bill pushed his way through the trio and began his interpretation of the full Monty. He was then joined by his backing dancers, Neville and Luna, who had switched clothes. This meant that the rather rounded Neville was in a mini skirt and a small black push up bra and a rather colourful g-string, whereas Luna was wearing pokadot y-fronts and a large black t-shirt which hung down ova the whole of her body so that the bottom touched the table top. Krum seeing how hot the room was now getting decided to bewitch the morbid snake status to sing. Trouble was they were all singing in a harsh Bulgarian accent so no one but Krum could understand them, but then again everyone was so out of it no one seemed to notice.

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A silvery light shone through the ancient windows, to expose an astonishing situation. Dumbledore was sitting eagerly at the end of a king size 4-poster bed, while Voldemort was sitting in a relaxed position but his eyes showed the excitement he was feeling as he watch Madam Pomfry delicately un fastening her louse buttons revealing a lilac lacy bust filled bra. She provocatively waggled her hips as she danced around a rather grand gold pole blowing…stimulating kisses towards her eager audience.

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The noise in the Chamber of Secrets had quietened down but the excitement was at an all time high. The dancing had come to a complete stop as Ron had most rudely fallen off the table and landed on top of Fleur in the most uncouth position, which naturally infuriated Bill, however instead of the normal beating Bill would have given his younger brother, all he managed to do was follow suit and fall off the table as well. This ended up in an even more crude position including the three of them as well as Harry who had been pulled down with Bill and was now on top of his arse.

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The two men gazed intensely at the bosoms that proceeded to wobble towards them. Madam Pomfry crawled up the bed the gazes of the two men followed her as the gawped at her breasts.

KABOOM!!!

The windows shattered and a dark figure flew through the air landing with a thud at the foot of the bed. The figure slowly stood up and brushed itself down, removing shards of glass off of it. The shimmer of the icy moon stretched into the room to expose a womanly figure within a dark cloak. The figure reached out and lowered the hood of the cloak. Tonks stood in all her glory at the foot of a huge bed with a rather surprising scene laid out in front of her.

"Shit, I knew the highest tower would not be where Bill went, but nooooooo Mr Weasley is ALWAYS right. And now… I've ended up….here…..shit……sorry…….shit"

And with that Tonks bounded towards the door and abruptly exited the room.

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Harry, who was at present completely red, pulled himself off Bill with a nervous laugh. How was he supposed to hide his feelings about guys when he is being pulled in to positions like that? Luckily for Harry, everyone mis-read his red face as embarrassment rather that for the over excitement that it actually was. Or did they? As Harry looked around the group of friends he saw two faces that said they knew otherwise. Oh no. No, not Malfoy and Krum, no!

Krum stared at Harry fumble around looking for more alcohol. A hand gripped Harry's shoulder from behind, which made him twirl around foolishly ending up with Harry face to face with Malfoy. "You sick gay" Malfoy whispered into his ear. Shock filled Harry as he tried to compose words to come out of his mouth to deny it, to make Malfoy back off, but nothing came out.

Laughter once again filled the dank chamber, Harry looked past Malfoy to see Hermione dancing on the table, red lacy underwear covered only the smallest part of her body and all the men watched her body move.

Harry felt a tingling sensation as fingers ran down his chest and removed his shirt. His eyes snapped back to watch Malfoy slipping his hand into Harry's trousers.

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Madam Pomfry had now reached the top of the bed and placed herself in between the two men. She whipped her wand out from her stocking and sang a chant. Once the chant had been finished a purple glow began to surround her entire body, this glow then subsided to a small shimmer. Her bra began to undo itself as well as her stockings, which made the men's eyes widen with delight. The purple shimmer now stretched out engulfing Dumbledore and Voldemort; they too started to magically undress.

When all the clothes had been removed and slung roughly on the floor, the fun really began…

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Tonks, who was wondering aimlessly around the castle, was trying unsuccessfully to rid herself of the terrible images that currently plaguing her mind. She rounded a corner and came face to face with none other than the guy that haunted her every dream…

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Fleur downed another glass, stumbled over a leg and fell to the floor. Neville, seeing her on the floor, offered her his hand, she graciously accepted it and used it to scratch her head, before hoisting herself up with it. She wobbled slightly as she took a step closer to the reddening Neville. And smack!!!! Fleur crushed her lips onto Neville's. She embraced him as she forced her tongue into his dry mouth.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Bill marched across the trash filled chamber towards his fiancé and ripped them apart. THWACK! Bill's fist connected with Neville's face. Neville stumbled backwards and gripped Luna as he tried to stay upright. Bill pounded Neville's face abit more until Fleur cautiously touched his arm. Bill glared at Fleur, but not for long, her puppy-dog eyes were just something he couldn't resist. "Lets go home now…." Said Bill and arm in arm they skipped out of the chamber. In the distance you could hear their conversation, "Can we get Malibu?" asked Fleur's quiet voice.

"No"

"But why not?"

"Coz its disgusting…."

"But but…."

" No, I've told you..Only in Holland."

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Remus Lupin stood before Tonks with an expression that she had never seen before. He offered her his arm and led her towards a door. The room they entered was filled full of fluffy pillows coated with a sprinkling of fragrant rose petals. Lupin turned to Tonks,

"There's something I need to tell you….I've waited so long….This is the moment…"

The room filled with anticipation. Tonks' eager eyes forced Lupin to continue...

" .. I love you, I always have and I always will…." He said is one quick breath.

" Oh Remus, I love you…"

They embraced tightly for what seemed an eternity until the door crashed open…

"TONKS!!!"

Tonks stared in bewilderment at the door as there stood another Remus Lupin.

"…huh?"

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Neville who was currently moaning in pain on the floor looked up to see the concerned face of Luna looking down at him.

" Oh dear me…." Said Luna "messy messy" she mumbled. Neville groaned, "Wonder where Harry went…and Malfoy come to think of it.." Luna twittered happily as she moped the blood from his face.

Meanwhile, over the other side of the chamber, Ginny was stealing glances and the glum Krum.

"Whyeeeeee so gluuuuuuuum Krummmmmmmmmm?" she spat into his face.

He turned round in slow motion, stared at her with his sad eyes and said….

"I'm hungry"

"KEBAB!!!! We goooota get a kabab! Cumom my glum Krummmm, I knowww thhhe besstest place evvver!"

And with that they strode (well Krum strode…Ginny kinda stumbled) out of the chamber with an air of hope for their new quest.

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Dumbledore was thoroughly enjoying himself as they experimented with each others bodies'. Pleasure coursed all though his body as he passionately fucked Madam Pomfry while Voldemort watched.

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Remus Lupin glared at Remus Lupin with ferocity. Tonks was just damn confused.

"I'm just damn confused!?!"

They withdrew their wands. Remus Lupin was first to the gun with quick curse which resulted in the other Remus Lupin's clothes flying off.

"ah ha!" said Tonks " the naked Lupin is the fake!" Both guys turned around with enquiring looks.

"I wouldn't exactly call it stalking but…."

They understood. Tonks whipped her wand from her knickers and revealed the fake Lupin to be the one and only, Lucious Malfoy.

"Ewwwwww!" Tonks cried in disgust.

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Harry and Malfoy had detached themselves from the group and had walked down one of the tunnels for a private moment. They stopped at a bend in the tunnel and Malfoy pushed his lips to Harry's. They kissed passionately like they'd never kissed before. Harry grabbed at Malfoy's shirt and ripped it open revealing his toned stomach. Harry kissed his stomach and Malfoy groaned with ectasy. As Harry looked up, Malfoy whispered to him… " You won't leave me will you…..i love you" With a slight grin Harry replied

" I've loved you since I first set eyes on you. I want to be with you."

They kissed again, even more passionately than before, happy with their new found relationship.

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In one swift movement Lupin jumped towards the wall and had tapped twice. POOF!

In his hand appeared a shiney silver collar. He launched himself at Lucious and with a scuffle had got him in a head lock. He swiftly attached the collar around Lucious' neck and then withdrew. Malfoy was enraged and lashed out at Tonks. "ah ah ah ah ah….i wouldn't do that if I was you.."

"Shut up"

"Your funeral" replied Lupin.

"Oh for gods sake what….?"

"Well…" Lupin began, "that collar I attached will blow your head up if I press this little red button here" and he produced a little red button from his sleeve.

"Oh damn….I woulda got away with it if it weren't for you damn …..things!"

"You're my hero!" Tonks said as she bounded towards Lupin and hugged him.

"Lets go babe" Said Lupin and they left the castle hand in hand and with smiles on their faces.

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Voldemort, Dumbledore and Madam Pomfry lay down on the bed side by side, exhausted but satisfied. They fell asleep together in peaceful bliss.

Madam Pomfry woke to see the sun rising out of the smashed window. She looked to either side of her to see Voldemort and Dumbledore sleeping….naked?!?!?!?!?!?! What was going on????!!

She shrugged, "I should never have nicked a piece of Mrs Weasley's cake she sent her boys." And with that she gathered up her belongings and left the room.

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Hermione looked around, the party was over…where had everyone gone?

"Where's everyone gone?" mumbled Ron as he struggled to raise himself from the floor where he had fallen hours ago.

"shhhhhh" said Hermione pressing her finger to her lips.

Ron looked over at her, she looked back at him. In slow motion they bounded towards each other. Their eyes locked with each others. Ron leaned forward, Hermione followed. Hermione's eyes flicked from Ron's eyes to his lips and back again. Ron grabbed Hermione around her waist and in a movie- like action, dipped her down and kissed her soft lips longingly. He'd waited so long for this…and it was bloody brilliant. Fireworks exploded around their heads as they finally had acted on their love for one another.

THE END! Ta Da!!!!!!!!woooohoooo:D


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